The doc just told me I’m going to die
October 31, 2008
Actually, we all know we’re going to die. I mean, everybody does. But we haven’t thought about it in terms of I AM GOING TO DIE AND MAYBE PRETTY SOON. And all of a sudden a million more thoughts are running through your mind, like what about a will, a living will, what about all this crap in my house that somebody will have to deal with, what will happen to Jake, the little dog that loves me. But let me back up a bit in time.
I had a career as a journalist, and loved it, until the investors bought out the families and budgets started being slashed and really good journalism started getting harder and harder to do. About that time, I went through a divorce, my oldest daughter died, my other three children were grown and in different cities, and my job sucked all at the same time. So I left town, and started a little business selling stuff to bikers. Big ugly motorcycle type bikers. That was in ‘96. Each weekend, I’d drive the truck someplace, unload it, set up a store, and at the end of the weekend, pack it up and drive home. A couple of years ago, I started noticing it was getting harder and harder to do the physical stuff. I was running out of breath, heart pounding, and I’d have to sit down frequently. I had smoked, still did once in awhile, so I quit and it kept getting worse. Slowly but surely. My doctor seemed reluctant to send me to a pulmonary guy. In retrospect, that’s ok, because what I have can’t be cured anyway. I eventually did go to a specialist, and after some more testing, told me that I have IPF, Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. Idiopathic because the idiots haven’t figured out what causes it, Pulmonary because it’s lungs, Fibrosis because they’re filling up with fibers. He became the first of a few so far who have said “I have to tell you, you’re a pretty sick boy. (My friends had known that since I was in high school, but this was different :-) It’s not known how you get it, it is incurable, and in your case, it’s pretty far along”. I had told him I didn’t want him putting years or months on it, so he didn’t. “Pretty far along” and “Incurable” were alone enough to knock the pins out from under me.
The phrase “emotional roller coaster” has been used to death, but that’s what the last couple of weeks have been. I’ve always been a strong guy, making the best of situations and enjoying life, but this hit me pretty hard and I was sinking fast. Fortunately a friend picked up on it, told my doctor, and I went back on Welbutrin, which I’d used to quit smoking. All of sudden things are MUCH better and I’m back to coping and taking care of business.
So why am I writing a blog? Maybe by sharing some feelings as time goes along, others can see how IPF affects someone, maybe awareness of the disease can be raised (it’s not all that common), and maybe somebody who has or who finds out they have a terminal disease can see that maybe what they’re going through, from their feelings, the reactions of family and friends, the physical deterioration, and all the rest has put them in a club none of us want to be in, but which has hundreds of thousands of members. And also, I don’t really know how to vent my thoughts. Maybe it’ll make me feel better to put stuff on paper. It always worked when I was a reporter! I have a wonderful “better than best friend” who is a huge help right now. But I’ve always played things pretty close to the vest, and there are things I don’t think my three grown children need to be burdened with yet, or my younger brother, so here I am. I love my kids with all my heart and miss them terribly, but right now I feel like I need to dole out the bad news in dribbles that I think they can handle. Maybe that’s wrong, maybe not, but it’s the way for right now. But ya gotta tell somebody, right? If you get too full of information, you explode. So here I am writing stuff down. And if nobody ever reads it but me, that’s OK.
It’s Halloween and maybe trick or treaters will come to the door, so I’ll go for now. Next time we’ll get into how the doctor told me and how it went right after that.
